As
a single woman who has remained largely so throughout my three-plus
years in New York, I’ve ventured down a number of different avenues in
search of someone special. I’ve had memberships on both
OKCupid.com and
HowAboutWe.com,
I’ve gone to singles events at bars, I’ve browsed the selection during
Fleet Week (who hasn’t?), I’ve dated co-workers, and I’ve dated guys I
met at yoga. But it wasn’t until a recent first date that I began really
considering how fashion plays into the ever-spinning online courting
carousel.
I met up with a man from the Internet at a restaurant in Brooklyn. He
was already there when I arrived, sitting on a bench outside waiting for
me. We said hello and I sat down beside him while the hostess readied
our table. He looked down at my shoes — bright yellow
Tory Burch
flats from many, many seasons ago — and complimented them. I was taken
aback; no man, to my recollection, has ever noticed, much less
complimented, my shoes on a first date (perhaps this is where I’ve been
going wrong?). The surprise in my voice as I thanked him must have been
obvious, because he responded, “Bet you don’t hear that from a lot of
guys, huh?” I told him honestly that no, I don’t.
This exchange got me thinking about the role fashion plays in dating,
especially when meeting people on the Internet. Online dating isn’t all
that different from browsing anything else online; even on a site like
HowAboutWe.com,
with its novel approach of members showcasing personality through
suggesting dates, the formula for me basically boils down to closely
inspecting a combination of profile photos, age, and height. If a man
passes my minimum requirements for attractiveness, tallness, and
(presumed) maturity, then I’ll read on to the rest of his profile, and
if my intrigue grows, I’ll reach out and suggest we meet. According to
Laurie Davis, an “eFlirt expert” who works as a concierge for the new
dating site
Sparkology —
another one with a unique approach, it is invite-only and requires male
members to be graduates of the 35 top-ranked universities — a person’s
appearance in their online profile photos, including their fashion
choices, is crucial.
“Fashion is very important, because style speaks to your personality,”
Davis says. “You want a mix of vibes on your profile: one more dressed,
and one more casual, to give [people viewing your profile] an idea of
your breadth. And color is very important. Often, all a person can see
is a tiny thumbnail, so the more you pop, the better.”
She may have a point:
a study
by the University of Rochester a few years ago found that the color
red, when worn by women, made men feel more “amorous” toward them.
Scientists working on the study said this effect may be largely the
result of social conditioning — after all, red is the chosen color of
vixens and valentines alike — or it could be more biologically rooted,
since nonhuman male primates in the wild have also been found to
sexually arouse at the sight of females displaying red.
“Wearing any bold color, like cobalt blue,” Davis says, is likely to
attract more viewers to your profile. “Avoid wearing black, white, and
neutral colors — unless, of course, it’s just really the best picture of
you.”
Ariana Anthony, media strategist at
HowAboutWe.com, says the fashion choices a person makes in a profile photo are important, but secondary.
“The purpose of profile photos, primarily, is to provide an accurate
and complimentary portrayal of how we look,” Anthony says. “For the most
part, it's less about the outfit you're wearing in your photo than the
expression on your face and what you're doing. Though obviously, if
you're wearing something you feel good in, that's likely to come across
in the image. For the most part, online daters typically choose clothes
that are flattering and indicative of their personal style.”
When it comes to the obvious question of how little is too little,
Davis says that choosing revealing clothing can definitely have a
bearing on how potential mates view ladies online.
“It’s
a first impression, so you want what you wear to speak to who you are,”
she says. “People read into it if you’re scantily clad in your online
photos; being too overtly sexual can work to your disadvantage, but the
opposite is not true. A cable-knit sweater doesn’t mean you’re too
conservative.”
And what of when the online conversation steps out into the real world?
Davis says the first real-world encounter with someone you've met
online is not actually a date, but rather a casual rendezvous to get to
know someone better and see if any chemistry exists. She says
first-meetup fashion choices don’t necessarily say a lot about what a
person wants in a potential relationship, but style choices on
subsequent dates do.
“If they start to dress up over the next few dates, it’s a good sign
that they’re interested in you,” she says. “And then, if you continue
dating, and after a couple weeks they start dressing down, that’s a good
sign too, that they are starting to feel more comfortable around you.
Fashion is very telling; there’s a fine line between being comfortable
and not caring.”
Anthony notices a wider range of choices for first-date fashion.
“A funny thing about fashion on a first date is that everyone has their
own rules,” she says. “One of our bloggers always gets a new outfit for
a first date because she likes the way it makes her feel. On the flip
side, we have another blogger who says that's the worst idea ever, as
she feels most at ease in something she's road-tested in other
scenarios. Just like fashion, it's truly an individual thing.”
Then there’s the traditional wisdom, which says that women simply care
more about fashion than men. According to both Anthony and Davis, it
doesn't hold.
“Men and women are both inclined to want to impress their dates, and
often choose to do so through their fashion choices,” Anthony says. “Men
want to impress their dates via fashion just as much as women do;
otherwise they wouldn't try at all. If anything, women are
stereotypically used to thinking about their fashion choices all the
time, while for many men, a first date is one of the few times they put
serious consideration into their wardrobe selection.”
Davis has noticed one crucial difference in how men and women approach
first-date fashion: “Women look more at details: a man’s watch, shoes,
and quality of clothes. Men look at overall appearance, including makeup
and hair.”
Fashion doesn’t necessarily play a bigger role in gay dating than in
straight, according to both online dating experts. But Davis says that
while every couple is different, she has noticed gay couples tend to be
more on the same page style-wise than straight couples, since they are
“similarly conscious” of what they are wearing.
As for me — I’m still single, and still dating. On another recent date
with a man I met online, within five minutes of greeting me, he
complimented my shoes. This time they were
Kate Spade
snakeskin sandals. We met at the American Museum of Natural History, and
he joked about my “dinosaur shoes.” I described this style choice as
planned and purposeful, obviously, so that my footwear would mirror my
environment. As it turns out, just like fashion, dating can (and should)
be fun! And if you pick the right guys to keep company with, ladies,
you may just learn something new about your style and, more importantly,
yourself. For this fashion writer, it's that no amount of style can
replace a fabulous mind, heart, and personality. Oh, and that my shoe
game is top notch.
Neither
my mother nor my grandmother were the type of women to insist on good
posture. In fact, that was more like something their mothers or
grandmothers were likely to focus on. But it turns out the directive
that was popular generations ago, and has mostly been forgotten, is more
important than any of us thought. Not only for our looks, but our
health, too. After you read this article, you're going to see a whole
new way of standing and sitting that could literally improve the quality
of your life.
1. The friend you can tell anything
3. The friend you've known forever